Victim, Perpetrator, Negotiator

I stood across the street from a Texas drug store, staring lazily at the glass doors that would lead me to fluorescent aisles.  I was a few blocks from where my brother’s fiancé and the ladies attending her bachelorette party were thumbing through lingerie and hot pink sex toys.  I sighed, hot and needing to pee.  “Maybe I should just take a test so that I can enjoy drinking tonight,” I mused to my sister.

“Yeah,” she nodded.

Pregnancy test boasting 99.9% accuracy in my overstuffed purse, I rushed up the steps of the house we had rented for our weekend of fun.  I pulled down my pants with fervor and ripped open the packaging of the $14 test.  “Fourteen dollars,” I had moaned when I saw the price tag, reminding myself that I was clearly in no position to have a baby if I could barely stomach the idea of losing an extra fifteen bucks.  My bright red toes pressed down onto the cold, clean tiles, and I placed the stick under my urine stream.  Sweet relief.  I glanced down, waiting to be relieved of my concern.  A tiny, red, and maddeningly indifferent plus sign appeared almost immediately.  I stared, my hands beginning to tremble.  “Oh my god. Ohmygodohmygod,” I repeated out loud.  Sharp, rapid sobs rose from deep within my gut, forced out along with streams of snot and mascara.  I could not believe it, and yet, I knew it was true.  Everything suddenly made sense.  The exhaustion.  Sore breasts.  Dreams of babies and incarcerated parents.

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it’s actually okay

Diary Entry 15:  Anonymous, 31 (New York, 2008)

Anonymous shares her experience of seeking an abortion in Brooklyn, New York.

(Published on February 20, 2014 | Listener: Melissa Madera |Location: New York, NY)

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i had to start being more responsible

Diary Entry 14:  Anonymous, 51 (Bronx, NY, 1978, 1979, and 1981)

Anonymous shares her story of choosing to have an abortion at different stages of her life.

(Published on February 13, 2014 | Listener: Melissa Madera | Location: New York, NY)

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i felt a sense of empowerment

Diary Entry 13: Adriana, 31 (Brooklyn, NY, 2012)

Adriana shares her experience of choosing to have an abortion in New York City.

(Published on February 6, 2014 | Listener: Melissa Madera |Location: New York, NY)

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i knew i would be a mother

Diary Entry 12:  Nikki, 26 (New Orleans, LA, 2001)

Nikki shares her story of obtaining an abortion while she was a high school freshman in New Orleans, Louisiana.

(Published on January 30, 2014 | Listener: Melissa Madera |Location: New York, NY)

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abortion was the right decision for me

Diary Entry 11:  Ilene Y., 67 (Manhattan, NY, 1970)

Ilene shares her story of obtaining an abortion in New York City in 1970, the year that abortion was legalized in New York State and three years before Roe v. Wade, the historic Supreme Court case guaranteed the right to safe and legal abortions in the United States.

(Published on January 23, 2014 | Listener: Melissa Madera |Location: New York, NY)

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It’s kind of an experience you tuck way

Diary Entry 10:  Kristie, 37 (Brooklyn, NY, 2010)

Kristie shares her story of seeking an abortion in New York City in 2010.  She talks about her experience at a Crisis Pregnancy Center in Brooklyn, and with Emergency Contraception and medication abortion.

(Published on January 16, 2014 | Listener: Melissa Madera |Location: New York, NY)

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sharing is really powerful

Diary Entry 8:  Melissa M., 34 (Washington Heights, NY, 1997)

Melissa shares her personal abortion story and how it led her to create The Abortion Diary Podcast 16 years later.

You can read Melissa’s blogpost about her abortion experience and why she created the podcast here.

(Published on January 2, 2014 | Listener: Shawnee B.G. |Location: New York, NY)

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It was a good decision

Diary Entry 7: Anonymous, 30 and Henry, 32 (Bronx, NY, 2003 and 2008)

Henry and his partner discuss their abortion experiences and how making the choice to have those abortions allowed them to build the foundation to have the family they want in the future.

(Published on December 26, 2013 | Listener: Melissa Madera |Location: New York, NY)

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DELIVERANCE: The Rebirth of A Womb

Like so many other women, I have stored hurt, pain, disappointment, guilt, shame and trauma within the confines of this vessel called “my body” and my womb has been the space where the darkest of these experiences have been held. When I was three years old; before I knew what a womb was or that I even had one, it became a dumping ground for the toxic energy of others. This pattern started with me being molested by an adult friend of the family, which triggered a great deal of confusion and imbalance in my life, that I now realize, is part of the backdrop for my abortion story.

As I came of age and fumbled into puberty, I had already experienced things that were too complex for me to navigate or comprehend. I had been prematurely exposed to sex, which catapulted me into a realm designed for adults. Yes, I was maturing psychosexually and intellectually but my emotional and spiritual maturation was stunted by the abuse and the secrets that I was harboring inside. This was the foundation on which my relationships and interactions with the opposite sex were built, and thus, more pain and confusion ensued.

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